“This book is about really looking at yourself, taking stock of the flawed image peering back, and learning to move forward,
despite how hard the road ahead looks”
– Daragh Fleming, Lonely Boy
[Synopsis of Lonely Boy]
Daragh Fleming’s honest portrayal of mental health, wellbeing and recovery opens with a quote from Seneca, Moral Letters that states: ‘I will keep constant watch over myself.’ Throughout Fleming’s ‘Lonely Boy’, loss, friendship and death are at the forefront, and they are observed with a quiet awareness. It is at times a memoir, at times a guide, but it is always conscious of what it is doing. Fleming, as in life, is keeping a constant watch over his writing and the effect of his words.
Fleming’s writing is simple, direct, and incredibly honest. There is a vulnerability to the topics that he deals with, and he does not try to hide from it. Lonely Boy deals with the tragic suicide of a best friend, crippling panic attacks, what it is to be a man and what is expected of dangerous paradigms, the benefits of therapy, among many other pertinent discussions that should happen much more frequently. The writing is intimate and vernacular, so you feel that you might just be in a bar with Daragh where the conversation is flowing easily. By writing this book, in this way, Fleming reveals how these conversations in our society do not flow as easily or as frequently as they should.
At the heart of Lonely Boy is a man trying to be at peace with himself and his past, so that he can navigate his future. By doing this, he opens up about his struggles with mental health and what has worked for him. He is at no point condescending or preachy, but instead welcoming and helpful. He admits that he does not have the answers but by sharing his story with us helps us understand the questions. I’d recommend this book to anyone who has struggled with mental health, to any man who does not feel like he fits in, and to anyone who is open to reflection and growth.
[My Review]
Lonely Boy by Daragh Fleming was published November 8th with Book Hub Publishing and has been described by Anne Griffin as ‘a book of great depth and honesty’. Daragh Fleming is a person I have come to admire in recent times for his bravery and openness discussing his ongoing struggles with his own personal mental health. Louise Nealon describes what Daragh Fleming is doing as ‘trojan work’ as he transcribes ‘the emotional pain that has been lying dormant and stubbornly silent in men for generations.’ Daragh Fleming is an energetic and refreshingly honest individual who is willing to bare his soul in the hope of starting a conversation and keeping it going.
Only very recently my daughter, who is a Transition Year student (4th Year), was at a Teen Talk event and Daragh was one of the speakers. She came home later that day and commented on how great he was, how articulate he was with his words and how his message was strong. Everywhere I look, the comments are all the same. Daragh Fleming has awakened something, something that has been lurking in the shadows for years. He has initiated change and is really bringing the importance of looking after our mental health to the table.
When I started Lonely Boy I had to remind myself that Daragh Fleming was a real person and this was non-fiction I was reading. Daragh takes us back to when he was in Fifth Year in school and his best friend, Erbie, tried to kill himself. Sadly Erbie never came home from hospital and the tragedy of his death was the catalyst that led Daragh down a dark and lonely path. He blamed himself, to some degree, for his friend’s death
“Erbie’s death shattered the glass ceiling and unveiled some of the harsher aspects of life. His death revealed some of the darkest experiences people have to deal with, and how some of these things can actually convince you to die if it gets bad enough. I couldn’t see it at the time and I didn’t see until years after, but the death of my closest friend had catastrophic effects on me. Effects that would become permanent fixtures rather than temporary setbacks….The last lucid interaction between Erbie and myself has haunted me because it happened on the same day he tried to kill himself.”
– Daragh Fleming
Daragh Fleming is a young man who had to grow up very fast. On this journey to where he is now, he faced multiple challenges and setbacks. His inner turmoil unleashed a chain reaction where his anxiety increased and his emotions were heightened. Unable to commit to relationships he openly admits how badly he has treated his partners over the years. He left his mental health unchecked for the most part until one evening out with friends in college, an event forced him to look at where he was at. Daragh was not in a good place. Physically he was ok as he had a passion for basketball and general fitness but emotionally the shell was cracking wide open and Daragh didn’t know how to stop it.
“The society we live in has always positioned men as resilient, unemotional, silent beings. It’s the way men ‘should be’. This is neither true nor realistic. Men account for three quarters of all suicides. These days we’re encouraged to speak up, which is good, but it’s not enough.”
– Daragh Fleming
Throughout Lonely Boy, Daragh tackles the various triggers that can lead someone into a depressive and anxious state. His approach to writing about this is conversationalist, with absolutely no notions attached. His brutal authenticity, his willingness to be so raw with his emotions is stark. Daragh Fleming is not looking for sympathy. He is looking for support, to keep the awareness high and to keep that important conversation alive.
“Embrace your sadness and your anger. Don’t wish to stay in those states but accept that you feel sad when that feeling comes knocking. You don’t get to escape it. When you ignore it, you’re simply knocking the can down the road. You have to feel the emotion eventually, and the more you put it off, the more intense it becomes.”
– Daragh Fleming
Lonely Boy is a reflection, a memoir, a truth. As I read each chapter there were numerous moments where I felt I was looking into a mirror. Daragh’s words resonated very strongly with me, as a female in her fifties, as I am sure they will resonate with many of you too. We are all guilty, some more than others, of abandoning our mental health and leaving it to fend for itself. But clearly this is not the way forward. Daragh speaks of the ‘community of you’, which includes you today and all the many future versions of you. He suggests that we ‘serve this group’ saying that ‘the community of you depends on you’. I have repeated this message to my own self and to my family. We all need to look after our own individual community in order to be able to look after others in our community.
Lonely Boy is vital reading, encouraging self-reflection and more conversations around our emotional wellbeing. Daragh Fleming is a powerful mental health advocate and his honesty throughout this book is uncomplicated and concise. A potent read.
[Bio]
Daragh Fleming MA is an author from Cork in Ireland who uses a conversational style to delve into complex themes which emerge in everyday life. He runs an award-nominated mental health blog and is an active voice for mental health in Ireland, delivering talks in a variety of schools, universities and work places.
He has two collections of short stories published by Riversong Books as well as two poetry pamphlets published. His most recent pamphlet, ‘Poems That Were Written About Trains’ was released in July of 2022. Lonely Boy is his non-fiction debut.
Blog ~ Thoughts Too Big
Twitter ~ @DaraghFleming
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